You Are What You Hate

I hate to say this, but you are what you hate

Hate can change, motivate and clarify and honestly hate can actually improve your business and your life.

Perhaps you “hated” your job, and that lead you to become an entrepreneur.

Perhaps you “hated” seeing people suffer and that inspired you to volunteer or make a difference.
What you hate says a lot about who you are and what you value.

What you hate gives meaning to what you care about.

How you hate can determines how you may succeed in life and business.

To say you hate is about stating what you will not tolerate; what you will not endure or accommodate.

To hate something gives you focus.  It makes you strong and it protects you.

To hate brings about motivation and clarity to solve problems that are not acceptable to you.

To hate something negative might make you more passionate about changing or improving it.

To hate is to stand up for your values and beliefs.

To hate is to recognize your emotions when they are telling you that you must stand up for what you believe.

To hate something can provide just as much perspective as love does. We all hate, but how we use the emotion can be productive or destructive.

You must use hate the right way or you can hurt someone. You must use hate in a way that solves, protects, and brings value to what you stand for.

The power of hatre can make your values and beliefs intentional.  It can inspire you to change the things you find unacceptable.

To love is to invest in, to move forward, to give, to inspire, and to empower. To hate is to reject, to fear, to stray, to abandon, or to resist. Either emotion can tell you a lot about yourself.

Lead from Within: To hate something is to choose to respond to it in a constructive way. Hate can be an ingredient in a balanced life.  The right combination of love, truth, hate and respect will get you to a place of balance, harmony and peace.


Lolly Daskal is one of the most sought-after executive leadership coaches in the world. Her extensive cross-cultural expertise spans 14 countries, six languages and hundreds of companies. As founder and CEO of Lead From Within, her proprietary leadership program is engineered to be a catalyst for leaders who want to enhance performance and make a meaningful difference in their companies, their lives, and the world.

Of Lolly’s many awards and accolades, Lolly was designated a Top-50 Leadership and Management Expert by Inc. magazine. Huffington Post honored Lolly with the title of The Most Inspiring Woman in the World. Her writing has appeared in HBR, Inc.com, Fast Company (Ask The Expert), Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, and others. Her newest book, The Leadership Gap: What Gets Between You and Your Greatness has become a national bestseller.

43 Responses to “You Are What You Hate”

  1. Ben

    08. Mar, 2011

    This is definitely another way to look at hate. Namaste

    Reply to this comment
  2. David Pancost

    08. Mar, 2011

    I think it was very brave of you to right this article, Lolly. Hate has become such a politically charged word now-days. To say that you hate something can generate a lot of “hate-filled” comments. I applaud you for taking the risk of identifying the value of hating certain things.

    I really like this one: “To say you hate is about stating what you will not tolerate; what you will not endure or accommodate.”

    Even in this age where tolerance is practically worshiped as the only way to live, it is important that you set boundaries that protect and preserve the things you value most. Saying “Absolutely not.” is one of the most important things we can do in protecting our values and sometimes our very lives.

    I appreciate you and your heart. Thanks for sharing this very important reminder.

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      08. Mar, 2011

      Thank you David, I love your comment. We cannot dismiss our shadows, we cannot dismiss our hate. All of it matters. All of our patterns, our traits, our dislikes and likes take us to the place we want to be.

      Reply to this comment
  3. Thabo Hermanus

    08. Mar, 2011

    Hate if you can move on as your state above can work for you, but as long as you don’t get consumed by it and get stuck in it. It is a powerful emotion so definitely needs the love to go with it in order to have balance.

    Reply to this comment
  4. Lynn Fishman RN

    08. Mar, 2011

    Lolly, this is a very astute and eloquent post. What particularly rings true for me is to listen to your emotions- never to ignore them. Often times when we most need to listen, we ignore-detach ourselves from our emotion and the message they are giving us. There must be a connection between the head and the heart. Then we can combine intellect with intuition and compassion with insight.

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      08. Mar, 2011

      Lynn, Your comment is spot on. I love what you wrote: ” we can combine intellect with intuition and compassion with insight.” Thank you for stopping by.

      Reply to this comment
  5. Peter Paluska

    09. Mar, 2011

    Lolly,

    Wow, that’s a lot of hate coming from you! Well, you know what I mean.
    I tend to disagree in terms of focusing on what we hate as an agent or catalyst of change. I would favor working from what we love, while classifying the opposite as “less than favorable things that need attention”.;->
    But I applaud the courage in your writing, Lolly!
    Peace,

    Peter

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      09. Mar, 2011

      Peter, I understand your comment but I courageously disagree. Because as Carl Jung says. “To confront a person with their own shadow is to show them their own light.” We must know our shadows, our hates to understand our loves and our light. You can not have one without the other.
      Love Lolly

      Reply to this comment
  6. Jeanie

    09. Mar, 2011

    I thought it was great. If we don’t hate certain things that happen in the world, then, I think there’s a problem. Thanks for sharing.

    Jeanie

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      09. Mar, 2011

      Jeanie Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Much appreciate your sentiments.

      Reply to this comment
  7. Robert "Butch" Greenawalt

    09. Mar, 2011

    Without action Hate is simply a process that consumes energy and distracts us from whom we choose to be.

    If you you choose to dwell in the shadows pondering your darkness or that of another I fail to see how that can improve the process of loving?

    What Mr.Jung describes as a practice is also a process that requires energy that would be better spent loving.

    Love defies explanation and reason much like the alternative.

    This of course is opinion and subject to interpretation.
    No offense intended or suggested.

    Cheers,

    Robert
    [email protected]

    Reply to this comment
  8. Barb Desmarais

    10. Mar, 2011

    Lolly, you’ve given a perspective on hate that most of us don’t consider. It does truely move us into action – the way extreme anger does. Both are feelings we tend not to want to focus on. I believe we’re better off focusing on what works and what give us strength, light and energy but it doesn’t mean we should dismiss hate and anger altogether.

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      10. Mar, 2011

      Barb, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I believe we cannot dismiss the parts we hate-because if we are striving to be a whole human being we must envelope all of us. Hate is an emotion.
      Hating something -brings us an awareness -almost like a red flag- and its saying……. move, change, repair…..We must embrace our hate and our love to live a full life. What do you think?

      Reply to this comment
  9. Barb Desmarais

    10. Mar, 2011

    I agree with you Lolly. It’s one of those things that triggers an intense feeling inside and those feelings are always worth paying attention to.

    Reply to this comment
  10. Lolly Daskal

    10. Mar, 2011

    Blessings to you Barb! Thanks for stopping by!

    Reply to this comment
  11. Neil LaChapelle

    10. Mar, 2011

    This touches on a theme that has produced some very arresting insights for me in my own life. I wrote about those in a book (free download, full version). My “website” link for this post points to it.

    For me, I often describe the clarifying effects of anger. When it progresses beyond anger to hatred, “something more” is happening, I think. This “something more” can open up a huge window into your soul, and an unparalleled opportunity for personal growth – if you recognize that the hatred is not out there in the world alongside its object, but rather it is a hot flash within yourself.

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      10. Mar, 2011

      Neil, I really like your thought …”it is a hot flash within yourself”
      Hate doesn’t mean being stuck. Hate in its best- creates change and movement. It gets you to act.
      Thank you so much for stopping by and thanks for your wonderful thoughtful comment.

      Reply to this comment
  12. john serpa

    10. Mar, 2011

    This blog brought forth a thought or two.

    First, we cannot truly embrace a passionate existence without hating. To clearly love fully and unconditionally, we must understand that it’s healthy to hate the right things in the right way.

    Extreme hatred of injustice is a mirror of passionate love for humanity, these two emotions are not 180 degrees out of phase, to the contrary, they are synonymous.

    Dispassionate people cannot hate and thus cannot truly love, they are like lukewarm tea, (think about that for a moment, we all love our tea hot or cold, never lukewarm.) Hence, people that cannot hate are missing a vital conduit of love.

    Unbridled hatred is another story and not the focus of your thought process, however, you are keenly accurate in the assumption that to hate is to love…..

    Great blog topic, it sure resulted in my senses and spirit chugging in unison!

    Reply to this comment
  13. Joe Bruzzese

    10. Mar, 2011

    Lolly, thank you for doing what you do! As I listen to the closing remarks of today’s White House conference on bullying and reflect on what you wrote I can’t help but think that we are headed toward a dramatic change in our culture.

    Keep creating the content that keeps us thinking, growing and changing.

    Best,
    Joe Bruzzese

    Reply to this comment
  14. Ben

    10. Mar, 2011

    Lolly after some thought and some experiences of late, I realized that I must feel all my feelings and emotions in order to advance to a higher level of connectedness with with the Oneness of all and it was your post that brought me to this realization. Hate is only one of a mulitute of feeling or emotions that we can have. Thank you Lolly. I AM Grateful.

    Reply to this comment
  15. Lolly Daskal

    10. Mar, 2011

    Ben, Your comment touched my heart. Learning lessons in life are sometimes hard but once we can understand that we are a whole person with pain and joy. Light and dark. We can learn to be more compassionate with ourselves. Understanding our Hate as you so so eloquently stated “is to advance to a higher level of connectedness with with the Oneness” Beautiful thought. Thank you!

    Reply to this comment
  16. Lolly Daskal

    10. Mar, 2011

    John Serpa,

    So great to see you and I loved your thoughts.

    Yes I can see from your comment you truly get the essence of hate. Thank you for your insights and wisdom.

    Let me know how your book is going!

    Reply to this comment
  17. Simran

    10. Mar, 2011

    Hello! Wow I really never thought of it that way.. There are times when Ive said Hate but my mom says you shldnt say hate but after reading ur post wow this is inspiring thank you the next time i hate anyone or anything i will think of this 🙂 Thank you 🙂

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      10. Mar, 2011

      Simran, Use hate in a healthy way. To motivate, focus and grow. Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply to this comment
  18. Steve

    10. Mar, 2011

    Love it!!! Right on the money. What a great way to shed some light in the dark corners. I have found a new love for hate and will now look at it as a catalyst for change. Great words of wisdom- thank you.

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      10. Mar, 2011

      Steve, Hate is most definitely a catalyst for change. l love that you understand hate. Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply to this comment
  19. Tyra

    11. Mar, 2011

    Hey Lolly, I liked your blog on hate. As mentioned, I believe that this emotion shows that one cares passionately about something, just like love does. If you hate your job, I think it shows that you care how your job is affecting you and possibly your family. It’s funny how love and hate are similar in that love can be blind and so can hate. I think a person needs to step back from both emotions and make sure one is at least keeping a level head on both counts. You know, even Jesus hated because he felt passionately about the church, which motivated generations to treat his place of worship with respect and dignity.

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      11. Mar, 2011

      Tyra, Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful thoughts.

      Reply to this comment
  20. Madeleine Boerma

    11. Mar, 2011

    hej Lolly, thanks. Beauty-full blogpost. Like your additional Jung quote that “To confront a person with their own shadow is to show them their own light.” This is as much true of confronting someone else as confrontating myself… Turning toward my own shadow has to mean switching on the Light inside or else I cannot see my own shadows… And where there is Light, hate transforms… Mmm still some work to do here… 😉 Thanks for your post!

    Reply to this comment
  21. conleth

    11. Mar, 2011

    Intresting piece of marketing.

    Enjoy the weekend

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      11. Mar, 2011

      Conleth, This is NOT marketing. This is an open and honest discussion of the heart.
      Have a great weekend.
      Lolly

      Reply to this comment
  22. Tom

    11. Mar, 2011

    Lolly,

    Well done! I hate hate! Along with ignorance and bigotry! Actually, I “dislike” ignorance, bigotry and hatred! 🙂

    Although I absolutely agree with your ideas about how to leverage the energy of hate, I have to take issue with an assertion you made in your response to Peter. As a disciple of Jung’s, I believe you made a fair point. However, you’re stretching Jung’s hypothesis, by suggesting we ALWAYS experience EVERY emotion, simply because we are capable as humans. And, it’s simply note the case.

    Although I have absolutely experienced hate in my life, I have not experienced hate in a very, very long time, just as some have not experienced love in a very long time. Moreover, hate is a tertiary emotion, a degree of the primary emotion Anger. So, while I can and do get angry on occasion, just as I did yesterday in traffic, it does “have to” turn into hate – It depends if and/or where you “let” your anger go…

    And, “if” you are in a very healthy place, hate never enters your mind. At least not for me.

    With that said, if and when someone hates, I sincerely hope they follow your advice!!

    Tom
    What’s your MBTI by the way..? I’m guessing your Judging function is a “T”… 🙂

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      11. Mar, 2011

      Melinda, What I love about your comment is the awareness that you have more work to do. So do I! I am a work in progress too. Always learning always growing.
      Thanks for you thoughtful comment and thanks for stopping by.

      Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      11. Mar, 2011

      Dear Tom,

      As a disciple of Jung myself I do understand shadow and light.

      Jung states, “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.
      if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected and he continues to state “Anyone who perceives his shadow
      and his light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle.”

      Hate is an emotion that simply shows us what we will not tolerate. Does hate always mean anger? Not necessarily.

      I am happy you are in a healthy place and you live in the zone of love. But we must be able to speak to the collective.
      Because HATE does exist and it must be addressed. My blog post is not about me in as much its a teaching for us all.
      Thanks Tom!

      Reply to this comment
  23. hiwar

    11. Mar, 2011

    “Le pouvoir de la haine peut faire vos valeurs et vos croyances intentionnelle. Il peut vous inciter à changer les choses que vous trouvez inacceptable.”Je veux bien savoir comment dear Lolly?

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      12. Mar, 2011

      Hiwar, Out attitudes are part formed by what we hate, because when we hate we move away from what we dislike. Our hatred leads us to what is good, it helps us to move against certain circumstances, issues, traits that we do NOT like and so we become different. Our hatred serves to protect us. Hate is like a part of our immune system for our soul. It kills off the” stuff” that is not good for us. When you hate something it is saying you will not tolerate it – so it propels you to take action- (to make it better) When you hate… You will find you hate something it is protecting you and is leading you to what is good. I offer that you have immune system responses to the things that are truly infections, poisons and toxic and dangers. Hate will be able to identify what they are. Remember in life …..You get what you tolerate.

      So Hiwar, I offer you build up your immune system. See what you hate. Start protecting yourself. Deal with the subjective you hate. And move towards love and respect.
      Blessings
      Lolly

      Reply to this comment
  24. Amber

    12. Mar, 2011

    Lolly – this maybe one of my favorite posts of your yet. I actually have eliminated the ‘h’ word from my vocab a few years ago bc I feel all too often our society focus on all the bad around it and I like your take on the ‘h’ word as well bc you are showing other to take the emotions and use it to propel you forward – use it for good! Great post as usual.
    Peach Love Bugs
    Amber

    Reply to this comment
  25. steve riege

    13. Mar, 2011

    Lolly – Very nice post. Your follow up to Peter confirmed my belief here. We need to confront our own Hate to conquer it.

    Reply to this comment
    • Lolly Daskal

      13. Mar, 2011

      Thank you Steve for your thoughtful comment. i love your message of being a rare leader.

      Reply to this comment
  26. Simon Harvey

    12. May, 2011

    Hate, four letters that say so much and so little. Perhaps it is part of the fight or flee workings that got transended to what we call hate.

    Surely it is a strong feeling or emotion and as Jung seems to think it is part of who we are. You can certainly find hate in scriptures, philosophy and literature around the globe so I think it is hard to say it can not exist, or only exists as evil.

    So what to do with hate ? First, you must deal with it. Otherwise it will grow and fester. It is like a gunpowder, it can start something powerful and explosive, and that can be good or bad. Just as gunpowder you must be careful with what you do with it, how you handle it and be mindful where you are pointing the vessel it is going to propel.

    On it’s own it can just be a short flare and gone as quick as it came, but put in a contained space it can become a force to be reckoned with.

    In the wrong hands (or mind) it can start a war, grow a meme of cultural hate. In the right way it can set in motion a voice to be heard around the world and put change in its place.

    However you deal with hate it is not to be dealt with lightly.

    Acknowledge it it there, decide on an action to deal with it, defuse it, let it burn it’s self out or use it to put power change for the betterment or humankind.

    Like gunpowder it will burnout and leave little but a trace that will wear away in time. Unlike love that grows stronger with time hate will loose that battle and dwindle or die with the person that carried it for ill use.

    Great post Lolly, thanks for helping me engage my grey matter.

    Reply to this comment

Leave a Reply