Leadership: Disappointed To The Core

Posted on 19. Mar, 2013 by in Character, Lead From Within, Leadership, Leadership Development, Life Skills, Personal Development, Relationships, Workplace

 

If you meet a leader who’s a loner, who doesn’t communicate, who’s not engaged, who seems removed and not trusting, it’s probably not because they enjoy solitude or disengagement. It’s far more likely that they have been disappointed.

We get disappointed when…

People say they are there for you but are not.
People promise but fail to deliver.
People you thought you could trust let you down.
People say one thing and do another.
People you support never acknowledge you.
People take without giving back.
People speak without listening.

Disappointment is like taking a long lonely walk down a long corridor, and the door at the very end is bolted.

 

Those of us, who have experienced disappointment need to be reminded that in this corridor we have doors to the left and to the right. These are the doors made for our choosing.

And as leaders, we must choose to:

Respond. Learn to identify and express your feelings. Speak about it instead of letting it fester inside. Disappointment can carry a wide range of emotions; allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling and find appropriate ways to communicate those feelings.

Reevaluate. Give yourself the distance you need from your disappointment. Allow yourself to realize this is not about you but about someone another’s behavior.

Review. As leaders we are always reviewing and reflecting. Take the time to review and think analytically about what happened. Remember the power of forgiveness. But don’t forgive and forget—forgive and remember, not to hold a grudge but because there are lessons to be learned.

Remain. Stay congruent with your values. Identify your beliefs and your core convictions, and don’t let yourself get caught up in someone else’s shadows. Maybe you were disappointed because your core convictions were crossed,  remain steady within yourself.

Recover. Expect to feel uncomfortable. The experience of a major disappointment is confusing and disorienting. It is normal to feel insecure and anxious. These feelings are part of the process, and they will pass.

Rejoin. Build (or rebuild) your support system. Seek the support of friends and family members, especially those who accept you without judgment and encourage you to express your true feelings.

Reject. Turn loose those people and circumstances that do not serve you and your purpose.

Remember. The people who disappoint us are likely people who themselves have been disappointed. You can be the one who ends the cycle.

There will always be people and events that will let us down, and when that happens it can shake us to the core.

 

Lead From Within: As a heart-based leader  we don’t always deal with events and people of light; sometimes for us, it’s about making the darkness visible and knowing how to handle it.

 

 

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54 Responses to “Leadership: Disappointed To The Core”

  1. Martina

    19. Mar, 2013

    Love the post Lolly.

    All of the factors that you have listed center around the issue of trust. We trust other people to be there, listen, back us up, deliver, keep promises. For leaders it takes some time and discernment to figure out who to trust and how much.

    People are human, and all of tthese things will happen to each of us sooner or later.

    The gold is in the response. Sort through the truth of what is going on, keep whats useful and dump the rest, and find your way forward. And never, ever lose trust and faith in yourself or your Source.

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      You are brilliant Martina.

      Right on Point.

      Trust is the foundation of relationship and leadership is knowing how to navigate…..

      Thanks so much for your insight. I truly appreciate you in so many ways.
      Lolly

      Reply to this comment
  2. Chelsey Strickler

    19. Mar, 2013

    Thanks Lolly! This post is exactly what I’ve been needing. I’ve been disappointed a variety of times and it has become hard to lead and trust those who I will be leading. I definitely needed to read the respond part because I often find myself not letting my feelings out. I will remember that I can stop the cycle. Thanks again for another great post!

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      Chelsey,

      Leadership is about trusting.
      Trusting self
      Trusting others
      And trusting that whatever comes our way – is leading us to the place we need to be.

      Trust you will visit again real soon and Love your honesty!

      Keep leading forward!
      Lolly

      Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      An understanding heart is everything in life. And pain is our best teacher.

      Reply to this comment
  3. Lolly,
    You already know how much I admire what you are doing in heart based leadership.

    This particular post is a beacon that speaks the truth so simply and clearly — it is sure to reach everyone.

    Tremendous contribution to the world of leadership.
    Kate

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      Kate,

      Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. The admiration is mutual and we are in this together.
      Spreading messages of truth and trust to all.

      Love what you do!
      Lolly

      Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      The acceptance of oneself and the essence of disappointment is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life

      Reply to this comment
  4. Wayne McEvilly

    19. Mar, 2013

    Lolly:
    This post required courage, wisdom, reflection, and above all a willingness to share what although is a universal experience, is one about which few are reluctant to speak. Speaking it out as you have, no doubt from the depths of a wide experience, demonstrates to others that it is more than o.k. to do so…we have all suffered (yes, I’ll go with that strong word here) what you are expressing and we are most often reluctant to speak about it, even to ourselves….but not to do so, paradoxically enough, is to hug it unto ourselves…
    I know this terrain so well. One feels so many emotions-I just think you have once again hit all the nails right square on the head with this one.
    I hope a lot of people who need to see it (I’ll count myself in) do so, and I’ll do what I can to share.
    Thanks.
    Wayne

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      Wayne,

      Life takes courage.
      Life takes honesty.
      Life has disappointments.

      We cannot always talk about LOVE and not see the shadowy side of life.

      We must dig up the dirt- see it for what it is and cultivate new ground.

      Love your comment. You always bring “truth” to what you say and for that I truly appreciate you.

      Lolly

      Reply to this comment
  5. Jo Miller

    19. Mar, 2013

    Lolly,

    This post is amazing. I continually seek ‘optomistic’ posts that will inspire me to move in a positive direction, to focus on the good and push aside (nearly ignore) disappointment. This post reminded me that in reflection and awareness I can do my best work to lead from within. You have reminded us that it is okay to feel uncomfortable, insecure, anxious – even while remaining optomistic. Ah, the complexities of being human, of opening our hearts.

    Thank you Lolly for sharing, for leading from within. Jo

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      Jo,

      I love what you say, the complexities of being human, of opening our hearts. < You are right!

      Everyone focuses on the positive that we forget that being human it takes the light and the dark to make us whole.

      it is only through the darkness that we see shadows that lead us to the light.

      Thanks for your added wisdom. It was much needed!
      Lolly

      Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      We cannot change anything unless we learn to heal within it.

      Reply to this comment
  6. Sam

    19. Mar, 2013

    I agree

    Reply to this comment
  7. Ivan Nelson

    19. Mar, 2013

    Lolly,

    Thanks for this enlightening post! I often find it very hard to forgive when my trust has been broken and this often makes it difficult for me to forgive. The tricky part is to not hold a grudge. Going beyond the emotion and into understanding is the path to enlightened living. We all have to strive to understand others and the factors that push them to act the way they do.

    Thanks for this thoughtful post!
    Ivan

    Reply to this comment
  8. Dorothy Dalton

    19. Mar, 2013

    Good points Lolly. Letting go of disappointment can be challenging but is a sign of true healing. Thank you!

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      Dorothy

      True statement: Letting go of disappointment can be challenging but is a sign of true healing
      Thanks for your insightful wisdom.

      Reply to this comment
  9. Tom Rhodes

    19. Mar, 2013

    Lolly;

    Truly wish I had this post two years ago when I lost my Dad and had a career disappointment in the same week. This is great advice and I will use it moving forward for myself and for others that feel disappoinment in their lives.

    Thank You

    Tom

    Reply to this comment
  10. James

    19. Mar, 2013

    I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t lonely. Raised in a military family, i remember having many conversations with officers that confided that even the most “social” leaders felt lonely much of the time. Probably, one of the toughest beliefs i have is surrounding myself with good people and the first thing i look for is reliability over Capability. Unfortunately, these people come few and far between. Second, once someone throws you under the bus, they’ll throw you under the bus again. Maybe I’ve just had a string of bad luck but i just can’t seem to find people with similar values and thus, I’m lonely.

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      19. Mar, 2013

      James,

      I am sorry that your life is laced with loneliness.

      There is a big difference between being alone and lonely.
      You are not alone in the world but you feel lonely.

      You need to find the people who will be there for you and who Love you.

      My community of #Leadfromwithin takes place every tuesday night at 8pm on twitter.
      All in the community will engage with you and they will embrace you.
      Try to join us this evening.
      Keep loneliness at bay.
      Lolly

      With Lots of love coming your way.
      Lolly

      Reply to this comment
  11. Ivan Nelson

    19. Mar, 2013

    James,

    I totally relate with what you are saying. There are very few opportunities for very deep and trustworthy relationships in one’s life. I believe and have noticed that people with lots of friends don’t have the time to really explore these relationships very deeply. Thus they will have more superficial relationships and will often not experience and understand true friendship.
    This holds true in and out of the business world.

    It is like almost everything else in life, quantity is often in opposition with quality. That’s why we cherish the few great relationships we are privileged to have in a lifetime.

    Take care,
    Ivan

    Reply to this comment
  12. Dan

    19. Mar, 2013

    This is a beautiful and power and powerful post, Lolly. It reminds me of how we disappoint ourselves, too, and how badly we can get lost when we become too responsible for what is outside us. The fact that we may blame ourselves for what’s happened makes disappointment a multiplier of fear, guilt, grief and shame. The Shadow may be our fantasy that we should be able to control everything and everyone. And then we pay the price — not only for what has happened but for a secret belief that we deserved it. We must find a way to end that cycle by offering ourselves genuine compassion and not holding a grudge with ourselves — which means ending the inner punishment and the holding onto of disappointment as proof our own insufficiency. It’s a deep dive, and always worth the journey to find our true radiance.

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      20. Mar, 2013

      It is a huge danger to pretend that awful things do not happen. But you need enough hope to keep going.

      Forgiveness makes it possible to heal.

      Reply to this comment
  13. Terri O'Brien

    19. Mar, 2013

    The beauty of this posting to me is that is opens the space for a new way of understanding ourselves and others. When our tender hearts are revealed, a new world is opened up.

    Thank you Lolly!

    Reply to this comment
  14. Blair Glaser

    19. Mar, 2013

    Lovely post and I was especially impressed with this quote:

    “Don’t forgive and forget—forgive and remember, not to hold a grudge but because there are lessons to be learned.”

    Such an important piece, Lolly. People tell us who they are all the time and it is up to us to learn from and about them. Remembering helps us navigate the pitfalls of disappointment and other perils of relationship, and go for bigger risks and the deeper levels of connection.

    Reply to this comment
  15. Aaron JOHNSON

    19. Mar, 2013

    If you don’t trust others, it means that you don’t trust yourself as well. From this, nothing can come up. Because lack of trust, you will share this negative energy to all you are suppose to lead and only the negative leadership will be promoted with lack of trust. This is fact because you can give only what you have meaning that, if you have lack of trust, you will give lack of trust.

    Reply to this comment
  16. lollydaskal

    19. Mar, 2013

    Dan,

    your words always move me. Especially your last sentence:

    “It’s a deep dive, and always worth the journey to find our true radiance.”

    This is so true.

    Deep diving means hurts, disappointments, pain.
    Radiance- wholeness of self.

    Your wisdom will be missed tonight on #leadfromwithin

    Lolly

    Reply to this comment
  17. Terri Klass

    19. Mar, 2013

    What a tremendous post Lolly! I think it is so hard sometimes to stick with our core values when we feel disappointed and possibly angry. But you are right that we shouldn’t be swayed by others. Disappointment is really just part of the cycle of life and the more experience we have with it, the more able we can deal with it. Your insights and wisdom keep amazing me.

    Reply to this comment
  18. Chris Jordan

    19. Mar, 2013

    Lolly,

    A post like this and its timing are very amazing for me. I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned a few points to help me in the current debilitating situation I find myself in. I always enjoy your wisdom and as someone who leads from the heart, I feel the power within, but sometimes need the perspective change to release it. Trust is hard, but I have learned I can’t stop trusting, I just may have to change my approach, but never my core values.

    Reply to this comment
  19. Tara Markus

    20. Mar, 2013

    Lolly,

    Thank you for a very insightful, spirited and generous post.

    At some point in time disappointment always comes a knockin’. It’s not a guest that any of us wish to greet with open arms but it is a visitor that from time to time must be served. Spending time with disappointment can actually be humbling. We don’t have to coddle disappointment and settle in for a long haul relationship but if we open our mind and heart to why we find ourselves face to face with disappointment, I believe we stand to learn a great deal about ourselves, our character , and our core values.

    As we journey forward in life and business, we will have set backs and we will encounter adversity. To have everything wrinkle free and perfectly formulated, all the time, would indeed present a whole other set of stifling and robotic issues.

    Yes, disappointment is like an unwanted guest that none of wish to cater to, but if we approach with a positive attitude, lead with grace and gratitude and leave with understanding and learned lessons …then… in the big picture of things, disappointment has a much less powerful hold on us and is not quite so scary and unmanageable when it rings your bell.

    The good news is, people are extra-ordinary! Life experiences can inspire, empower and allow us to create incredible positive change. Every day, in some small or big way each one of us has the opportunity to role model, share, lead and simply be the best we can be. Let us Celebrate one another and help one another be pro-active rather than re-active. I believe the rewards will ultimately be beyond the goal and expectation.

    Reply to this comment
  20. Gail

    20. Mar, 2013

    Lolly,

    Your thoughts are exquisite. “Remember” touches me to my core. While in the “thick of it” t’s hard to be mindful that this circle of disappointment is the true issue. We assume it’s happening to us and no one else. We pass it on to the next person.

    You’re right … as leaders we must choose to break that cycle. Brava, Lolly … brava.

    Reply to this comment
    • lollydaskal

      20. Mar, 2013

      Certain things in life simply have to be experienced and Disappointed is such a thing and when it happens we need to learn how to heal.

      Reply to this comment
  21. Francis Belle

    20. Mar, 2013

    Disappointment is so common we tend to simply take it for granted. So the idea of taking time to review recover and rejoin is fresh enlightening.

    Reply to this comment
  22. Janine

    20. Mar, 2013

    I love it when the universe brings us exactly what we need to hear, just when we need to hear it! Your words were like salve to my wounds. As leaders, we spend a lot of our time supporting others, and unfortunately, there’s no one there to support us when we need it. Just reading the things you wrote have given me permission to grieve the dissapointment, and to know that it’s okay to feel disoriented and alone. Thank you for sharing your amazing wisdom! It was such a gift.

    Reply to this comment
  23. Jo Warwick

    21. Mar, 2013

    Hey Lolly, great post and this made me smile as it appeared just as this has been on my mind.. So touching to read everyone’s comments also it is a universal struggle and pain… A reminder to me that love and consistency must start with myself – with my inner foundations strong and secure I can be open and less affected by the inconsistencies of others and then I can assess how much energy and time the relationship is worth … It also frees me from loneliness as I am connected to source LOVE

    Reply to this comment
  24. dawoodchishti

    21. Mar, 2013

    Lolly,

    Disappointment is the result of our reaction to what we receive short of our expectations. Intensity of the hurt depends on the nature of our relationship and preparedness to absorb such shocks. The most enlightened aspect of your post is that you have shown the way to eye light through darkness.It really requires courage and imaginative power to touch the thorny side of life and leave a safe passage for others.

    Hoping to hear more in coming days!

    Dawood Chishti

    Reply to this comment
  25. john

    21. Mar, 2013

    “Disappointment is like taking a long lonely walk down a long corridor, and the door at the very end is bolted. ”
    thanks lolly i love that statement,,but can i add to it “and infront of you are hundreds,if not thousands of keys.only one of which can open a particular door,,,
    either way the only way to avoid dissappointment is to turn around and walk out of the building,because of the 1000 keys,only one will open the door,,so if we expect to get it in the first,or even the first 50,100,or 400 tries,by attempt 500,600,or 700,,we have all but crushed our unrealistic expectations,and destroyed our vision for success.fact is that the odds favour each key to be the wrong one from the first,and all the way to the 998th key only at the 999th attempt do the odds become even for either outcome,,,but at key 1000,guess what?…probability doesnt just favour success,it demands it….at key 1000 the probability of unlocking the door is 100%…if you make it through 999 dissappointments,your next attempt is guaranteed to succeed by the laws of probability…of course its just unlikely to find the right key attempt 1000,as it is at attempt 1…in the latter you might think youre very lucky,but infact all you gained from that 1st attempt was a right key,with no knowlegde of how you did it,and any confidence you had is overshadowed by knowing the part luck played,but by attempt 1000 you have gained personal growth,and a self belief based on persistance,and experience with handling 1000 keys,luck is no longer relevant to you,for by attempt 1000 you defeated luck,by calling on the laws of probability through repetition….
    Now,which would you rather good luck,or good growth??

    Reply to this comment
  26. Darla Marr

    21. Mar, 2013

    A good leader is the first one to respond. A good leader has personality, courage, clear vision with ambition to succeed. A good leader encourages the team to perform to their optimum all the time and drives organisational success. This doesn’t mean that you have to have an aggressive attitude, Tone of voice can dis story or make a good situation. Respecting others feelings is a very diligent attribute. Respecting with dignity, always putting someone higher than you is a true leader! A good leader has the ability to see through the circumstances. And to delegate responsibility.

    Reply to this comment
  27. Papa&Honey

    21. Mar, 2013

    Great article.
    What is missing is that when leaders make correct choices, they develop integrity.

    Integrity is not just missing in leaders, it is a core that is missing in the world.
    We disappoint others and ourselves on many occasions, only to do it over and over again.

    I just wrote about this in my article. http://grandparentsrule1.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/integrity/

    Reply to this comment
  28. Mike Cowan

    22. Mar, 2013

    Lolly, this was an inspiring read this morning. Thank you.

    Reply to this comment
  29. Cherie

    22. Mar, 2013

    This has been an interesting and enlightening string to read, and I can certainly relate to many of the comments. I’ve crawled out of some amazingly deep chasms of disappointments over my career and subsequently struggled to find the trust that is necessary if one is to engage in life and relationships – both business and personal. It’s a never ending work in progress. I would only like to add that this can all apply just as easily to staff as to leadership. Many of my career moves were made for that very reason – because leadership was such a disappointment – empty promises, few positive changes, and very often little or no support for the very folks who were shouldering the majority of the work and would do anything to help. The only thing that keeps me moving forward is my own work ethic, the belief that I can make a difference, and the hope that I am leaving positive changes in my wake.

    Reply to this comment
  30. FARAYI MHERE

    26. Mar, 2013

    I hate people who pretend to help but their help is to convince you to believe them until its too late

    Reply to this comment
  31. Scott Mabry

    31. Mar, 2013

    I refuse to let people who disappoint me shake my faith in the hearts of those I lead. Thanks for this great framework for recovering and turning the pain into a force for good.

    Reply to this comment
  32. Muralidharan Jayaram

    16. Mar, 2014

    Your article is so insightful. It really touched a chord deep within me. Your advice of being congruent to your values is really a great advice.

    Muralidharan Jayaram,
    http://www.changeconquest.com

    Reply to this comment

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