Lolly Daskal

We Need A Courageous Conversation

Posted on 04. Feb, 2012 by lollydaskal.

 
 
What do you do when you have an employee who is great at getting results, meeting their targets, and great with customers, but when it comes to their team, they are abrasive, abusive and condescending? 
 
What do you do when you’re in a relationship and your partner says they will call, and they don't? They say they will show up, but they don't. They say they will be there for you, and they are not. Worse yet, this has been going on for months…  
 
What do you do when you’re in a meeting with your direct report who does all the talking all the time, and never asks for input or feedback? What if your employee is not a team player and it’s really hurting morale?  
 
It is time for an intervention. What kind of intervention? It’s time to have a courageous conversation.  
 
In most organizations, and in our relationships, we’re all so busy being polite with everyone that we’re either not aware of the breakdown, afraid of the breakdown, or avoiding it altogether. We kid ourselves into thinking that if we don’t deal with it, maybe it will go away.  
 
When we fail to engage and say what we honestly think and feel, our business performance will suffer. When what “goes unsaid” is not being said, our relationships will fail.  
 
Here’s how to approach those courageous conversations that need to take place…  
 
Be Courageous: The essence of a courageous conversation is being direct and not fearful. Having a conversation in your head isn’t the same as having a real conversation. Being courageous means being connected to your feelings. Feelings of fear and anxiety create distance. When we are courageous we are fearless. When we act with courage, there is a certain grace that is brought to the conversation. 
 
Be Present: In order to have a courageous conversation, we need to be completely in the moment. Often, in meetings and in relationships where we interact with others, we fail to be fully present. We go through the motions, but we’re not really there, or we’re mentally checked out. In order to have a successful courageous conversation, we need to stay present and engaged. When we are present, we can be more aware of our feelings and the feelings of others. 
 
Be Reflective: In order for us to have a productive courageous conversation, we need to pause and reflect. Sometimes we react without thinking about how our response might impact the person(s) with whom we are interacting. Without pausing, without being reflective, we might choose an inappropriate response. We may say something we will regret. 
 
Be Human: When participating in a courageous conversation, we need to be human. Most of us have a limited vocabulary when expressing our feelings, so we are more likely to offer an automatic or habitual response than to connect heart to heart. When we are human, we have a need to connect, to understand, to listen and to belong. When we are being human, we can bring meaning and energy to the heart of what is important. 
 
Be Attentive: When involved in a courageous conversation, you must be a great listener. Pay close attention and demonstrate sincere interest in the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Be the person who is truly listening by tapping into hidden dialogue, and uncovering what is not being said. When you make more meaningful contact, you are more likely to get the other person’s full attention. 
 
Be Honest: When engaging courageous conversation, we need to be honest and say what we truly feel, without putting off what’s really on our mind. Honesty is not easy. We often repress our true feelings, so much so that sometimes we don't really know what we honestly want. We must be able to be honest and to say what we are truly feeling, seeing, and wanting. To be honest with yourself and others is to honor self. Being honest will set you free. 
 
Be Curious: When involved in a courageous conversation, leave control at the door. Stay open and curious. The more you try to control, the more out of control you will feel. Try to understand what the other is saying. This does not mean you accept what they say as your truth: it simply means you are open to the possibilities. It is essential to remain open and curious, and not judgmental and controlling.  
 
Be Accountable: When having a courageous conversation, being accountable means that you take responsibility for what you say and how you say it. Do not blame, claim or abuse anyone else. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be the one who recognizes that being accountable will help shift the conversation from blame to gaining understanding. 
 
Be Committed: By bringing commitment to your interactions, you learn the power of courageous conversation. Your commitment to be courageous fosters connection. Being committed to courageous conversation will make your communications clear and compelling. It will bring knowing to the unknown. 
 
Lead From Within: When we are aware, we listen to each other, even if there are differences. If we stay focused, if we remain our caring human self, and if we pay attention to others’ feelings and ideas, we foster greater understanding.  
 
If we are honest about our feelings, if we remain curious, and if we are committed to forging courageous conversations, we will help strengthen relationships, productivity, and communication.  
 
Where can you have a courageous conversation today? Which meeting? What boss? Which employee? What relationship?

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The Language of Thought

Posted on 29. Jan, 2012 by lollydaskal.

“Our lives are like a chess game. The move of a single pawn affects the outcome of the game.” - David R Hawkins.

Connecting, communicating and conversing are all effects of a thought. It affects our leadership, our relationship and our fellowship.  
 
If you think about it, our thoughts are the beginning of what matters most. Our thoughts bring value to what we think, say and do.  
 
Understanding our thoughts is the door-opener to the rewards of self-awareness and insight, and it's the ground upon which understanding rests.  
 
The language of thought has an internal influence on us. And that internal influence can make a difference to our external outcomes. 
 
Reflect===> Retrieve===>Relate===> Responsible===> Results===>Reward!  
 
Reflect: By taking a moment to reflect upon our thoughts, we can stand at the gateway of making different choices. As we pause, we can practice looking at our thoughts instead of from them. Reflection is an action. Reflecting on our thoughts brings us invaluable learning and opportunity for growth.  
 
Retrieve: To understand what someone says, we must draw upon our shared knowledge of the world, not just our knowledge of language. All of us have stored thoughts. Our past observations become our future projections. Our expectations, beliefs and past experiences affect our thinking and communication.  
 
Relate: Until we can relate to our thoughts, we are not going to be successful in communicating with ourselves or with others. Everyone’s thoughts and behaviors are a function of their viewpoint.  
 
Responsible: We can increase our self-awareness and improve communication as we accept responsibility for every thought, word, and deed that we think. What we think we act upon. Be responsible. In being responsible, we break down the old patterns of thinking and build new pathways of being.  
 
Results: As we live our lives with intention, we can achieve the results for a new way of being and leading. We achieve results by focusing on our thoughts. Our results depend on how quickly we observe and determine whether the thought serves our purpose or not. We can create an intention about what we want, and get the results we are looking for.  
 
Reward: When we are clear about what we want, our reality will follow… Then we will be rewarded.  
 
Defining the language of thought cultivates new meaning. Without the self-awareness of thought, we would live each day as we did yesterday, and we would simply recreate the same solutions as we did the day before.  
 
By understanding the language of our thoughts, we enhance ourselves, our families, our team, our organization, and our leadership. As we begin to understand the language of thoughts, we can see that we are consciously choosing our future.  
 
What we think. What we say. What we do. Matters.  
 
When we know what matters - and our mind is clear - we make the most of each moment. We can think outside the box. We can lead from within. We can develop creative solutions. We can trust our intuition. We can know the next step we are going to take. We can make good decisions, and we can act on them effortlessly.  
 
Be the person who cares. Who thinks. Who listens. Who understands. Who communicates. Who converses and who connects deeply.  
 
Lead From Within: Reap the benefits by understanding that the language of thought is the driver that helps you reshape your life and leadership. With this clarity, you can transform, transcend and thrive.

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