Lolly Daskal

We Need A Courageous Conversation

Posted on 04. Feb, 2012 by lollydaskal.

 
 
What do you do when you have an employee who is great at getting results, meeting their targets, and great with customers, but when it comes to their team, they are abrasive, abusive and condescending? 
 
What do you do when you’re in a relationship and your partner says they will call, and they don't? They say they will show up, but they don't. They say they will be there for you, and they are not. Worse yet, this has been going on for months…  
 
What do you do when you’re in a meeting with your direct report who does all the talking all the time, and never asks for input or feedback? What if your employee is not a team player and it’s really hurting morale?  
 
It is time for an intervention. What kind of intervention? It’s time to have a courageous conversation.  
 
In most organizations, and in our relationships, we’re all so busy being polite with everyone that we’re either not aware of the breakdown, afraid of the breakdown, or avoiding it altogether. We kid ourselves into thinking that if we don’t deal with it, maybe it will go away.  
 
When we fail to engage and say what we honestly think and feel, our business performance will suffer. When what “goes unsaid” is not being said, our relationships will fail.  
 
Here’s how to approach those courageous conversations that need to take place…  
 
Be Courageous: The essence of a courageous conversation is being direct and not fearful. Having a conversation in your head isn’t the same as having a real conversation. Being courageous means being connected to your feelings. Feelings of fear and anxiety create distance. When we are courageous we are fearless. When we act with courage, there is a certain grace that is brought to the conversation. 
 
Be Present: In order to have a courageous conversation, we need to be completely in the moment. Often, in meetings and in relationships where we interact with others, we fail to be fully present. We go through the motions, but we’re not really there, or we’re mentally checked out. In order to have a successful courageous conversation, we need to stay present and engaged. When we are present, we can be more aware of our feelings and the feelings of others. 
 
Be Reflective: In order for us to have a productive courageous conversation, we need to pause and reflect. Sometimes we react without thinking about how our response might impact the person(s) with whom we are interacting. Without pausing, without being reflective, we might choose an inappropriate response. We may say something we will regret. 
 
Be Human: When participating in a courageous conversation, we need to be human. Most of us have a limited vocabulary when expressing our feelings, so we are more likely to offer an automatic or habitual response than to connect heart to heart. When we are human, we have a need to connect, to understand, to listen and to belong. When we are being human, we can bring meaning and energy to the heart of what is important. 
 
Be Attentive: When involved in a courageous conversation, you must be a great listener. Pay close attention and demonstrate sincere interest in the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Be the person who is truly listening by tapping into hidden dialogue, and uncovering what is not being said. When you make more meaningful contact, you are more likely to get the other person’s full attention. 
 
Be Honest: When engaging courageous conversation, we need to be honest and say what we truly feel, without putting off what’s really on our mind. Honesty is not easy. We often repress our true feelings, so much so that sometimes we don't really know what we honestly want. We must be able to be honest and to say what we are truly feeling, seeing, and wanting. To be honest with yourself and others is to honor self. Being honest will set you free. 
 
Be Curious: When involved in a courageous conversation, leave control at the door. Stay open and curious. The more you try to control, the more out of control you will feel. Try to understand what the other is saying. This does not mean you accept what they say as your truth: it simply means you are open to the possibilities. It is essential to remain open and curious, and not judgmental and controlling.  
 
Be Accountable: When having a courageous conversation, being accountable means that you take responsibility for what you say and how you say it. Do not blame, claim or abuse anyone else. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be the one who recognizes that being accountable will help shift the conversation from blame to gaining understanding. 
 
Be Committed: By bringing commitment to your interactions, you learn the power of courageous conversation. Your commitment to be courageous fosters connection. Being committed to courageous conversation will make your communications clear and compelling. It will bring knowing to the unknown. 
 
Lead From Within: When we are aware, we listen to each other, even if there are differences. If we stay focused, if we remain our caring human self, and if we pay attention to others’ feelings and ideas, we foster greater understanding.  
 
If we are honest about our feelings, if we remain curious, and if we are committed to forging courageous conversations, we will help strengthen relationships, productivity, and communication.  
 
Where can you have a courageous conversation today? Which meeting? What boss? Which employee? What relationship?

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Reward The Effort

Posted on 14. Dec, 2011 by lollydaskal.

This past week I had the privilege of sitting down and consulting with a well known CEO. He was visibly upset and some what disillusioned.  
 
He spoke about his dissatisfaction with his team and his disappointment with the organization's results of the past year.  
 
As he talked and I listened, I heard him say, “I do not believe in the idea of effort. I believe in rewarding results only.”  
 
I had a hard time believing my ears. This is what I call a fixed mindset.  
 
Here was a leader of a very large organization who expects his employees to work hard, put in long hours, make great sales, and grow the company, but then not be rewarded for their efforts. Could this be possible? Was there a way of showing him that his beliefs were the root of the problem?  
 
For me, he was suffering from what I call “CEO DIS-EASE.”  
 
He believed that effort was not to be rewarded. He believed that effort was for those with deficiencies. He believed that effort reduces you. He believed that people should come fully prepared and their work should be “effortless.”  
 
Could this CEO see that he was the one keeping his organization playing small? Could he see how it was his fixed mindset that was holding them back?  
 
Did he actually believe that we’re supposed to be perfect from the get-go; that we are born with qualities that need no effort to be cultivated?  
 
Did he imagine that Picasso came out of the womb painting? Did he believe that Michael Jordan was an athletic superstar from birth?  
 
How could I make the CEO understand that, even if we are a genius, even if we are the most talented, even if we are the most qualified, we still need to work at it? Improvement is a life-long pursuit. Effort is an endless process. The truth is being a genius takes effort.It is effort that ignites the ability and turns that ability into accomplishments.  
 
I waited until he finished speaking, and then I challenged his thinking.  
 
I wanted him to understand that effort was and is the direct link to growth and results.  
 
I needed him to see that, if you challenge yourself, you are open to development. When you are open to development, you are oriented towards learning. And when you are open towards learning, you have a greater chance of succeeding.  
 
But if you’re afraid of trying; if you’re afraid of taking chances; and if you’re frightened by challenges, how will you grow? How will you take yourself to the next level? If you have to be perfect, or if you have to appear to know everything, how does anyone expect you to succeed?  
 
In order to achieve success; in order to manifest creative achievement, and in order to be rewarded with results, you need the kind of perseverance and resilience that produces a mindset of growth.  
 
A mindset of growth begins with a knowing that you can challenge yourself; that you can take chances; that you can give it your best effort; and you can be resilient in the face of setbacks. Once you’re free to take those risks, you will achieve results, and you will create greater success.  
 
Why is effort so scary for some?  
 
Because when you actually try and you don’t succeed, who can you blame; what excuse can you give, and how will you acknowledge your shortcomings?  
 
Without effort, you can say “I could have been…” However, once you try and you don’t succeed, you can’t say that anymore. You cannot delude yourself anymore.  
 
I left the CEO with some thoughts:  
 
You do not want to say: “This organization could have been and should have been.” When you want people to grow, to succeed, to achieve results, then you have to focus on their development. You have to focus on challenging them and acknowledging their efforts.  
 
In order to grow his organization into something meaningful and to get it to where he wants it to be, he will have to give it his all for the things he values most. Once he begins to acknowledge the people who make the effort, and recognizes their risks, their challenges, and their failures, only then will he be rewarded without reservation.  
 
Lead From Within: You must realize that you have to work the hardest for the things you love the most. You have to fight for it with your whole life. Being resilient and pursing with perseverance is taking yourself to the next level. And the secret ingredient to making it all work is… EFFORT.

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