Lolly Daskal

In life and in leadership, we are constantly dealing with duality.

To learn, we need to be curious. To lead, we need to have followers. To be strong, we need to be vulnerable. To give, we need to receive.

 

As twenty-first century leaders, we need to understand that we are moving toward a NEW ethic, one that is built on duality.

In the OLD way of thinking, we based our leadership on a set of shared values and principles aimed at achieving moral perfection while maintaining social order and well being.

What got left behind in the old approach are the things that we are coming to value and seek out in the NEW: authenticity, vulnerability, unity.

The old approach was built on the duality of contradictory opposites. In or out. Black or white. Right or wrong. We divided things, labeled them, decided their value.

In the new ethics of leadership opposites are about reconciling.

 

The foundation is a concept of opposites that are contrary but not contradictory, that exist as points on a spectrum—not black and white, but darkness AND light.

Instead of choosing one and rejecting the other, we accept both, we live with both, we seek to know both.

To lead us to our truth in our living and leadership we must approach life as a series of dualities, to let go of our anxiety of having to be all on one side or the other.

It’s a challenge, because we as leaders love taking sides, making decisions, and feeling prepared.

But there are things you can do to learn to live with duality:

Be patient with yourself: It’s challenging to bump up against the dualities of existence. Give yourself time and space to adjust your thinking.

Trust yourself: Have faith in your intuition and stay within the moment, believing that you will find what you seek.

Acknowledge the duality: Free yourself to concentrate on pursuing what is appropriate in each moment.

Hold the tension: When you find yourself in discomfort from duality, don’t bury the tension but hold it and give your consciousness a chance to work through it.

State a preference: You know what you want for yourself and for those you lead. Stand up for the values and dignities of your heart and watch the shadows lighten.

Lead from Within: Do opposites exist? Yes. Do we struggle with dualities? Yes. Do we need these dualities? Yes. Life is changing, and our leadership must change too. The more we acknowledge our truth, the more we understand ourselves and others.

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Today I ask you to honor yourself. I know what you are probably thinking: that the best leaders are the ones who are of service to others.

But in the work I do with CEOs and organizations, I have found that most masterful leaders, the ones who lead with heart, are the ones who begin with honoring themselves.

Honoring yourself doesn’t mean feeding your ego or inflating your importance.

 

It means seeing the truth of who you are and leading from that strength.

It means that if you are in a jam you do not compromise on your values but you stand firm in your integrity.

It means that if you are accountable, you take responsibility.

How can you become a HEART-BASED leader who honors yourself?

Get Acquainted: Work to know yourself—all the way through.

Ask yourself: What do I need to learn about myself today?

Be Transparent: Be direct and transparent with yourself. We’re all subject to some degree of illusion, but it’s important to look past that to the truth.

Ask yourself: Who am I, really?

Respect Your Boundaries:  Leaders tend to focus on giving, but failing to replenish leads to burnout. Remember the importance of caring for yourself.

Ask yourself: What do I need?

Be Honest:  Be open to all about what you’re feeling—especially when it’s something uncomfortable. Show your humanity by refusing to hide your fears and vulnerabilities.

Ask yourself: What are my feelings telling me?

Reinvest In Yourself:  Be kind to yourself. Work on releasing regret, anger, fear and anxiety. Invest your time in the things that make you feel good.

Ask yourself: How can I surpass self-defeat and find positivity?

Open Your Heart:  As leaders we are always trying to make sense and bring logic to everything. Be open to hearing the voice of your heart.

Ask yourself: What will it take to quiet my mind so I can listen to my heart?

Express Thanks:  Write each day all the things you are grateful for in yourself and in your life. Honor the good within and around you with gratitude.

Ask yourself: What am I grateful for today?

State Your Purpose: Understand your own sense of purpose. Craft a mission that reflects the vision you have for your life.

Ask yourself: What do I want of myself?

When you honor yourself, when you give yourself the same love and respect you give to others, you can free yourself from comparison and self-doubt.

Never be afraid to show what is in your heart. Never be ashamed to show what you are capable of.

 

By honoring ourselves you are making the statement that we have more to share, more to give, more to respect and more to bring value to.

Lead from Within: As a heart-based leader honoring yourself, show respect, integrity, and responsibility to your heart. Understand that you are here not only to give but also to receive.

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What’s your first reaction when you confront a problem?

Do you….

Identify it, define it, examine it, analyze it, seek solutions?

I want to ask you to try something NEW.

Don’t solve your problems.

Recently, while conducting a workshop, I sat at a table with a group of intelligent leaders who were tackling a problem. As the trainer, it was my job to keep the group engaged in critical and strategic thinking.

But this group was stuck—stuck in their ideas, discussion, dialogue, and conversation. We were approaching the 45-minute mark, and they were just going around in circles.

I said, “Everyone, let’s stop this discussion. We’re taking a break. Put down your pens, leave your phones, and let’s get out of here.”

I had prepared by bringing some sports equipment. Excited as kids at a chance to play outside, they were quickly caught up in a rousing game of wiffle ball.

By the time I called them back in a short time later, everyone was relaxed and enjoying themselves. Even before they had a chance to sit down, I asked, “How do we tackle this issue? What do we do next?”

And it all came together. They had a direction, and they were all in agreement.

This is not news for anyone who has done coaching or consulting with teams. Taking a break is good science.

People who have been distracted perform better on a complex problem-solving task than those who put in nonstop conscious effort.

 

So the next time you have a thorny problem:

• Don’t tackle it.
• Don’t keep identifying it.
• Don’t examine it to death.
• Don’t keep coming up with strategies.
• Don’t keep gathering information.

Take a break and allow your mind to rest. Find something to do. Distract yourself.

When you come back you will see your problems and issues with fresh eyes. In just a few minutes, you can reach new breakthroughs, new reactions, new ways of looking at things. Allow your conscious mind to relax and you will find a better, faster, smarter way to approach your problem.

Now imagine the increase in problem solving that could occur if your team, or your whole organization, started to apply this principle.

There are so many things we have misunderstood about the mind.

As someone who believes in leading from within, I am a big advocate of letting the mind rest and allowing the heart to speak.

And as someone who is always looking for insight, I suspect that letting go of what we know—of our need to always be solving, analyzing, defining—can lead us to new identifications, new solutions, and new meaning.  

Lets give our minds a break and let our hearts speak with fortitude.

 

Lead from within: The next time you are up against a problem you can’t solve, the next time you feel stuck, let it go and distract yourself.

Painting by: DM

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“Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control, These three alone lead life to sovereign power.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

For those of us who lead, traits like self-awareness and self-control should be a natural part of our emotional intelligence. But we might not know ourselves as well as we think we do.

Imagine someone in a coaching session. Asked to describe himself, he gives a list of positive traits: hard-working, caring for others, sensitive, with a passion for order, excellence, and doing great work.

Now he’s asked a new question: What do you think your co-workers would say about you? About the same, he replies.

He’s stunned to learn that some of his peers and colleagues have issues with his actions.

What he sees as working hard, others see as him believing that no one is good enough to delegate to, and that he has to do it all himself.

What he sees as caring for others, others see as a disrespectful inattention to boundaries, not asking enough questions before telling people what they need to do.

What he considers sensitivity comes across to others as emotional distance.

Sometimes we have a huge blind spot when it comes to ourselves.

 

And this blindness to our own character leads us to imperfect choices and conclusions.

In this case, intense questioning about beliefs and triggers opened up the belief that, on a deep subconscious level, this leader didn’t feel worthy of his position.

So even though on the conscious level he believed he was acting positively, his subconscious anger and insecurity were leading him in ways that kept him from engaging with his team. His unconscious mind was driving all his actions, and everyone could see it except him.

Sometimes we have to rethink what we think we know about ourselves, acknowledge the possibility that we don’t know ourselves as well as we think we do.

 

Most of us we think we are okay, even when our encounters and relationships give us evidence to the contrary. Our conscious mind selects, evaluates, and interprets information that confirms what we wish to believe.

To really know ourselves, we have to see ourselves through the eyes of others.

 

We have to be willing to open up the things that we successfully hide from ourselves, and overcome the resistance to dig deep into our inner life.

Just as we lead others with heart, we have to observe ourselves and the reactions that others have to us not with with heart:

• Listen to the feedback you get from others.
• Ask yourself courageous questions.
• Observe the ways your conscious mind sabotages your own self-awareness.
• And, most importantly, don’t assume that you are immune from the influence of inner demons.

Lead From Within: As heart-based leaders we must bring our unconscious stories to our conscious narrative if we are to avoid being a stranger to ourselves.

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Whether you’re a CEO or an intern, a student or a teacher, a parent or a friend, it’s almost impossible to get through an entire day without realizing you’ve made a mistake. Busy schedules and over-long to-do lists make mistakes even more likely. Some are small and easily remedied, and others can have long-lasting repercussions.

Especially if you pride yourself on being careful and thorough in everything you do, mistakes can feel shameful.

We can ignore and cover our mistakes, or we can choose to learn from them and use them as lessons.

 

What’s your approach to mistakes?

How many of these actions are part of your response?

Acknowledge. When we acknowledge a mistake—without drama, without excuses, without shaming ourselves—we can move on to the important tasks correcting the mistake and finding ways to prevent it from happening again.

Accept. Everyone makes mistakes.  When we take responsibility for being human (and by nature imperfect), we accept ourselves and become open to accepting others.

Apologize. “I am sorry” are very powerful words. Whatever form it takes, a sincere apology can prevent a mistake from disturbing a relationship.

Adjust. The impulse to judge ourselves is strong and self-forgiveness can be hard. It’s important to adjust your own view of yourself and your mistakes to reflect the same attitude you would show to others.

Apply. When we can apply the wisdom we gain from your mistakes, we can carry them forward with us as a positive experience.

It’s said that there are no mistakes, only lessons, and our biggest mistakes are our greatest source of learning.

 

None of us would ever choose to make a mistake. But in adjusting how we think about our mistakes, we can turn them into something better. Remember mistakes are proof that you are trying.

As leaders, we establish our character, demonstrate our values, and set a powerful example for others with how we handle our own mistakes.

 

Lead from Within: Mistakes help us keep ourselves in perspective, to really learn and grow. We often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than by being right for the wrong reasons.

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Are you one of those people who say YES to everyone and everything?

Maybe you suffer from what Psychologists call being a people-pleaser.

People Pleaser: n. A person who spends a lot of energy pleasing others.

 

Abandoning our own rights often results in letting others mistreat us.

Some of us sacrifice self, because we want people to like us.

 

How can you be liked without giving in to being a people-pleaser?

Be choosy. As leaders we always have a choice.  People-pleasers often feel that they have to say yes when someone asks for their help. Remember that you always have a choice to say no. Ask yourself: Is this something I choose to do?

Be communicatiative.  When you clearly communicate your priorities and values, people can better understand how their requests fit in—or how they don’t.  Ask yourself: Am I letting those around me know what’s most important to me?

Be considerate. Be considerate of yourself and your time, and be considerate in your choices. Ask yourself: What are my options?

Be coherent. Be clear and consistent in stating your boundaries. When others overstep, let them know. Healthy boundaries go a long way in eliminating negativity and anger from your life. Ask yourself: Am I comfortable with where this request may take me?

Be confident. The attitude you bring to requests, whether you say yes or no, is an important part of how your response is perceived. Ask yourself: Why am I doing (or not doing) this? How does this response serve the bigger picture?

Most leaders are the kind of people you want to serve others, and true leadership is knowing that the greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear and guilt.

We are what we choose to be, so we must be careful about what choices we make.

 

Lead From Within: Heart-based leaders are givers, but they do not sacrifice self. They know when to say yes to what is important, and when to say no so they can save themselves for the important things.

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